Fall, please

On Sunday Lev and Jack and I went on a family walk. Our walks used to be extended nap time for Jack (not that there is anything wrong with that), but he is beginning to take in all of the surroundings and look at the sky and the squirrels and the trees and the leaves. The secret to life: see the earth, enjoy the air, love the animals. Babies know this, why do adults need to be reminded?

photo by Lev.

Tummy time!

Jack showing me how it's done

At last, a no-tears tummy time session!

steps.

Yesterday Jack picked up a toy and put it in his mouth. For the first time. It amazes me how much he changes week to week--he spent a week staring at his fist, turning it over and over, and then one day he was grasping for things (my hair, mostly). It has made me realize how much time is a continuum; I am here, now, with Jack, and he is bigger than he has ever been and I know I will remember this time, here, now, but that he will never again be this small. In a way I feel like I need to be absorbing, absorbing, absorbing, not missing anything, because this time is passing and it won't come back. He will never be as little as he was yesterday. Today he seems so big.

Success!

A friend who is 20 weeks pregnant came over yesterday. I remember being 20 weeks pregnant like it was last week but also like it was 10 years ago. I remember the ultrasound and seeing Jack's cute profile, and being so excited to meet him. He had felt rather remote until I saw him; being who I am, up until that point I had also been almost positive that something was going to go horribly wrong with my pregnancy. Forget it--every day of my pregnancy I was worried that something was going to go wrong. It's my personality. (I'm so great at parties...) It's funny, because I approached the actual labor and birth without the smallest bit of fear. I was positive that if I could make it that far I would be just fine. And I was.

I'm trying to learn how to be here, in the present. To live in the present is to decimate anxiety, and I have lived my life as an anxious person. I realized a few weeks ago that my constant worry about the future wasn't actually preventing anything terrible from happening; instead, I was not experiencing this incredible, precious time that I have with my son. Nursing is my meditation: look at Jack, breath in his wonderful smell, listen to the perfect small sounds he makes. He doesn't know anxiety. I can't teach him to live that way, it won't help him in his life.

Today we went to the last farmer's market of the year. Joel and I put Jack in his hat and suffice to say he was not happy about it.

NOT HAPPY about his new hat.

All love.

First autumn.

Today was the coldest weather that Jack has ever met. We went on a long walk with his nana, got coffee (for me, not for Jack), had a few outfit changes (both of us), and napped (Jack), and now Jack is asleep and I am waiting for Joel to return to the apartment with some takeout.

I'm going back to work on Monday. I have been off since July 15. July 15! It seems like a world away. Working full time is going to be a challenge but I think I'm up for it.

This boy!

Today. Jack in his gnome suit.

Yesterday. On the way to the Chicago Botanic Gardens.

And Jack makes three.

On July 24th I gave birth to our son, Jack Sheldon. At midnight the night before I felt a twinge and I woke up Joel and was like, "I think something is happening." And I went back to sleep. By morning the twinges were coming regularly, but they weren't terrible and I wasn't doubled over or anything. At around 1 pm the following day I was sitting in a hot bath, breathing deeply, and I told Joel to call Tanya, the hypnotherapist, and the midwives. I talked to my mom, who was in town for the birth. She was thinking about going to Ikea--I told her to go, of course! I mean, these things take time, right?

The monitrice told Joel to call her back when my contractions were 3 to 4 minutes apart. Very soon after that phone call my contractions were coming fast--1 minute apart. Joel was diligently timing them, waiting for them to be 3 to 4 minutes apart before he called Tanya again. Finally I told Joel to call her, call her! I needed her support. As it turned out, she thought that my contractions would be much slower in progressing to where they were--I had zoomed right over the 3 to 4 minute mark to fast, strong contractions. Jack was on his way.

I called my mom and she came back from Ikea. The birth was beautiful. It took place in our home, with wonderful support and in a relaxing atmosphere. Birth is not painful, I'm serious. It is intense and it takes work but "pain" doesn't really enter the equation at any time. I can't imagine having had my son any other way--he was brought into this world surrounded by people who love him and there were no interventions, no antibiotics, no pain medications to make us groggy and unaware of the present moment. Jack was born at 7:55 pm.

I can't believe that 3 months have passed since that day. I feel like I have always known Jack and that I've always been his mother. Joel is the most natural father; it is a joy to watch him with Jack. They sing together, they practice talking, they cuddle and kiss and it is beautiful. Parenthood is the best thing that has ever happened to us.

Our family.

Jack Sheldon at 3 weeks.

new

things are changing. everything is growing.

The Morning

Relaxed breakfast. From last Sunday.